will it ever happen?

at the risk of becoming a target I must take a stand

2004-10-25T18:34:30Z

W!!!

hungry

2004-09-17T00:48:28Z

You know in movies when there's a character that is so hungry, they eat something disgusting like a cock roach? I think I understand that now, not in literal hunger, but financially. Last month was so bad, my church had to pay my rent. I did everything I could, but I couldn't even get temp work. I was looking online for where I could sell my plasma. I think I would have done anything someone would hire me to do as long as it wasn't against my principles. I would have "eaten a cockroach". I was there.

Thank the Lord things are looking a little better this month.

Sometimes you just eak by.

sooooo broke

2004-08-20T19:43:59Z

OK, I couldn't pay my mortgage this month. My little business took a net loss of $5K in the last quarter and it's at a loss so far this quarter too. I can't even get temp work. I need to dumb down my resumé. I just need some cash... low maintenance I can quit any time I want kind of cash. I'm smart. I'm clever. I work hard. I need to be paid for my skills.

ugh...

1thingalone @ 2004-04-14T22:35:00

2004-04-15T03:36:39Z

I don't know how I haven't been more aware of it before, but I'm seeing more and more how I am subtly motivated by wanting people to like me. When I hire someone to do work for me, I alter my feedback based on whether I think they may be responding well to what I say. And just in conversation in general. Unless I truly have a strong opinion about something that will not change, or unless I know I'm solid with someone, I sort of modify what I'm saying based on their response.

I don't just say what I think people want to hear, but I am aware of whether or not they are responding positively and I experience anxiety if it seems negative. Then I go away from the situation and replay it to myself wondering if they like me.

this wears me out. How do I let it go and not care? Or at least not get anxiety from it.

ughh.....

When I look back at the last 2 years...

2004-03-25T15:27:19Z

I can see that I've grown a lot in some ways the last 2 years. Mostly in my professional life which was sorely overdue. But I also see that my friendships have diminished, simply because I don't have as much freedom to pick up the phone and chat like I used to. Plus I have this aversion to being in a "circle" of girlfriends. I believe it's rooted back to my traumatic junior high experiences. I see they are closer to each other than they are to me and I feel very unlikeable. It' a compounding spiral. I wish I could get past that and be more socially comfortable.

Family

2004-03-11T01:55:11Z

I'm visiting my family right now. I pray for grace and healing. Dysfunction can be so exhausting.

where is he?

2004-03-11T01:54:34Z

One of my LJ friends has not updated his journal since November, and his last entry said he was depressed. I have nothing but an email address for this person, and he has not responded. I am so worried, but don't know how to reach him.

Jan.

2004-03-11T01:53:12Z

Life after the holidays can often be a let down. Except for the fact that the holidays are so stressful. They are so not what they should be. With all of the social expectations, who has time to even focus on the birth of the Messiah? I don't. Not really. I may try, but I am too concerned with wondering how we will afford enough gifts for my in-laws who spend way too much on us. Then there is my family, my large family who refuse to draw names for gifts, so we must get gifts for each one of them. But that is over and it's a new year. On with getting my finances in order.

"debates"

2003-12-27T02:57:40Z

I just had dinner with a friend who got very in my face about a difference in theological beliefs and her boldness really made me uncomfortable. I do not enjoy debating over a difference of opinion and I was so not enjoying it. I just wanted her to let the conversation go but she wouldn't. It wore me out. Now I am at home with this yucky feeling in my stomach and I just want to shake it off. Why do I hate confrontation so much? I do not like to be told I am wrong, it's not that I always have to win every argument, but when I am honestly trying to live my life to the best of my ability, I just don't want to be wrong.

ugh.... I wish my emotions had a "reset" button.

caring

2003-12-24T23:13:04Z

you can't pay someone to care. If you pay someone who doesn't car about something a million dollars, that won't make them care about it. The ones who truly care will help for free. If you have to hire them, they may or may not care. You're lucky if they do.

1thingalone @ 2003-12-22T18:21:00

2003-12-23T04:41:33Z

sometimes you can do everything right, but someone else can ruin it all.

Take the What Fruit Are You? test by Ellen!

flakes

2003-12-17T04:57:49Z

This world is getting more and more flakey people in it, and they stress me out when they let me down. I have recently had 3 different people whom i have hired to do work for me, completely flake on me. It is taking a tremendous toll on my business, and my stress level. this is not funny. It is costing me money and a great deal of time. I am so over this!

incompetence

2003-12-06T05:59:31Z

why don't people do what they say they are going to do!?

spongebob

2003-12-01T20:51:40Z

I want to meet whoever is in charge of getting all of these merch deals for Spongebob Squarepants. I have seen popsicles, kleenex, tupperware, cookie jars, and that's not even just the plain old spongebob merch like pencils, lunch boxes, keychains etc.

I think I want to get the 2004 Spongebob BMW.

thanksgiving

2003-11-24T20:15:05Z

Getting out of town for a few days and I'm very much looking forward to it! I pray for safe flights and health.

call back!

2003-11-20T17:55:32Z

I got a call back! I go at 2:15 today. They said they were only calling back 6 people, and this is for a national ABC sitcom. I'm excited. I'm a bit nervous. I've never done this before. Yikes!

first audition ever!

2003-11-15T19:11:18Z

I just did my first open call audition. The lady who auditioned me told me I was a very interesting person, and that I did a great audition. I hope that's really true and she just wasn't talking me up. I don't know if I got the gig, but hey, at least now I know what to expect [sometimes] if I ever do another audition.

whew!

worn out

2003-11-11T19:03:21Z

my last 2 weekends have been nonstop and then the work starts again on Monday. I'm too old for this kind of schedule. I've got something every night this weekend too.

But I should be grateful for having a life, and friends, and work. Life is good for the most part. One can always FIND something to complain about if they really want to, but it's not necessary. There is always something to be grateful for too.

guerilla!

2003-11-04T23:32:58Z

I am reading one of the Guerilla Marketing books and it is so informative! It's really opening my eyes and motivating me. What a lifesaver, it will change the way I run my little business.

My interns- I have 2 of them - are very helpful, but one of them has screwed up one of our computers today trying to get the network going, and I really hope he fixes it before he leaves.

Gotta go.

monday monday

2003-11-03T14:10:47Z

For the first time in a while there is nothing about my day that I am dreading. That's a good feeling.

I have found someone!

2003-11-01T19:31:04Z

Not in the romantic sense, but a person to help me with some marketing and sales calls! I have desperately needed this help. I just need to find out what she wants to charge for her services. I really hope this truly happens, if so, it will have been the Lord putting this together. What a huge sense of relief.

My little business needs to bring in some cash.

my mother the car

2003-11-01T14:33:14Z

You are the 1954 Mercedes Benz 300SL.
Take the Which Classic Car Are You? quiz! By JC and Bren.

my new icon

2003-10-31T20:51:13Z

I love this icon, it is SO me! Thanks emily strange!

newbie

2003-10-31T20:45:38Z

yes, I am now on LJ, thanks to my friends. I don't know what I'm going to write about. How does one officially begin this? Perhaps that is enough for today and I will add more as it happens.